It’s time, y’all! Here is the 90th Annual Academy Awards Play-by-Play!
5:00—The show opens with an old style black and white news reel. It’s very 40s and I love it. “Armie was born when a witch put a curse on a Ken doll.”
5:01—Hollywood’s elitists are in their seats. Gary Oldman! They called him the favorite to win Best Actor, so now I’m scared.
5:02—Backstage, it turns out 1940s announcer man is Jimmy Kimmel. He takes the stage and welcomes everyone. “Greetings from Hollywood to all the world…It’s a great honor to be back here.”
5:03—“This year, when you get your name called, don’t get up right away.”
5:04—“Oscar is 90 years old, which means he’s probably at home watching Fox News.”
5:05—“Oscar is perfect. He keeps his hands where you can see them, he has no genitalia…He’s literally a Statue of Limitations.”
5:08—On the pay disparity issue with Mark Wahlberg and Michelle Williams, who are represented by the same agency: “If we can’t trust agents…we’re in trouble.”
5:09—Shouting out nominees Jordan Peele, Margot Robbie, Timothee Chalamet, Christopher Plummer (“How does Lin-Manuel Miranda compare to the real Alexander Hamilton?”)
5:12—”2017 is the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”
5:13—”Whoever gives the shortest speech tonight will win a Brand New Jet Ski!”
5:14—Best Supporting Actor begins with a montage of past winners. Viola Davis presents.
5:17—The Oscar goes to Sam Rockwell, “Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.” 1/1
5:18—Tells a funny story about his dad pulling him out of school because of “grandma,” but it was really just to go to the movies. “This is for my old buddy Phil Hoffman!” (TEARS! I miss Philip Seymour Hoffman!)
5:24—”If your speech runs over this year, you won’t hear music, you’ll hear this”: Lakeith Stanfield runs onstage and yells “GET OUT!”
5:25—Gal Gadot and Armie Hammer present Best Makeup and Hairstyling. She is really really ridiculously good looking. Okay, I guess he is too. Whatever.
5:26—”DARKEST HOUR!” 2/2
5:28—Eva Marie Saint takes the stage. “I’m older than the Academy. By 3 years and 4 months.”
5:31—She is presenting Costume Design.
5:32—The Oscar goes to Mark Bridges for “Phantom Thread.” 3/3
5:33—His speech is very short. He wants the jet ski.
5:37—Kimmel: “Since the show started 37 minutes ago, ‘Black Panther’ made another $48 million.”
5:38—Kimmel: “Where there is darkness there is hope. Except at the White House. Hope quit on Wednesday.”
5:39—Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern present Documentary Feature.
5:40—”Icarus” wins. 3/4 (That’s a great documentary and it’s on Netflix, so no excuses, y’all.)
5:42—Kimmel: “Because my goal is to make this show as long as possible, I will now introduce someone who is here to introduce someone else.”
5:43—Taraji P. Henson introduces Mary J. Blige singing “Mighty River” from “Mudbound.” Mary J. Blige rocks it.
5:52—A montage of iconic images from great movies complete with a medley of great scores. 90 years of why we love movies.
5:56—Kimmel: “The first Oscars in 1929 were held across the street at the Roosevelt Hotel and they actually gave out two awards for Best Picture, which is kind of what we did last year.”
5:57—Ansel Elgort and Eiza González present the Sound categories.
5:58—First, Sound Editing goes to…”Dunkirk!” 4/5
5:59—And now Sound Mixing goes to…”Dunkirk!” 5/6 “Dunkirk” sweeps the sound categories!
6:07—Jimmy asks Spielberg for pot and then pretends he didn’t know they were on TV.
6:08—Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani present next. She says, “We’re two people you know, but can’t ever say their names.” Kumail says, “My actual given Pakistani name is Chris Pine.”
6:09—And they present Production Design to…”The Shape of Water!” 6/7
6:12—Next, Eugenio Derbez introduces Gael Garcia Bernal, Miguel and Natalia Lafourcade sing to of the renditions of “Remember Me” from “Coco.”
6:20—Kimmel says, “The snacks this year are disgusting.” And “I think some of you aren’t taking the jetski challenge as seriously as I hoped…We’re sweetening the pot.” And they add a trip to Sunny Lake Havasu!
6:21—Academy Award winner Rita Morena presents Best Foreign Language Film.
6:24—The Oscar goes to “A Fantastic Woman” from Chile! 7/8
6:26—Next up is Best Supporting Actress, and they show a montage of past winners. Mahershala Ali presents the nominees.
6:29—The Oscar goes to Allison Janney for “I, Tonya.” 8/9
6:30—She deserves it. She says, “I did it all by myself.” She’s so funny! CJ Cregg has an Oscar, y’all!
6:35—Kimmel says, “Well this is a fun part of the show. Our next guests come from a galaxy far, far away.” Then he says he wishes his 9-year-old self was here to enjoy it and then a little boy comes out onstage as 9-year-old Jimmy. He introduces members of the cast of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” (Kelly Marie Tran, Oscar Isaac, Mark Hamill, and BB-8).
6:37—Mark Hamill: “I’m here to pick up my monthly Jedi pension check.”
6:38—They first present Animated Short film to “Dear Basketball.” 9/10
6:39—Kobe Bryant has an Oscar and I knew it was coming, but I’m annoyed.
6:40—Now they present Best Animated Feature. Hamill: (to himself) “Don’t say ‘La La Land,’ don’t say ‘La La Land.'” The winner is Coco! 10/11
6:43—Daniela Vega introduces Sufjan Stevens singing “Mystery of Love” from “Call Me By Your Name.”
6:51—Gina Rodriguez and Tom Holland present the award for Best Visual Effects.
6:52–The Oscar goes to “Blade Runner 2049.” 10/12
6:53—The team behind the “Planet of the Apes” films go zero for three in this category, which is a CRIME.
6:55—Matthew McConaughey presents Film Editing.
6:56—Lee Smith wins from “Dunkirk!” 11/13
6:57—Kind of funny. Here on my blog, I said “Baby Driver” would win, but on my Officially Official Awards Circuit ballot, I listed “Dunkirk.” So I got it right AND wrong. Hmm. I’m counting the right answer.
6:59—Kimmel: “The people you see onscreen right now are at the TCL Chinese Theater. They don’t know we can see them. I thought it would be nice to go over there and surprise them.” He collects Ansel Elgort, Mark Hamill, Guillermo del Toro, while the other Guillermo (from his show) leads the way. And Emily Blunt, Gal Gadot, Lupita Nyong’o, Armie Hammer, Lin- Manuel Miranda all join in.
7:06—After the commercial break, Jimmy and Gal go into the theater. Kimmel says, “There’s a strong aroma of marijuana in this room.” Gal says, “It’s true! Not that I would know.”
7:09—Mike from Lake Elsinore introduces the next presenters, Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph.
7:10—They took off their shoes. Maya says, “Girl, my pinky toe fell off.”
7:12—They present the Best Documentary Short Film to…Tiffany says, “Hi, Meryl. I want you to be my mama one day. Just one day. Wanna get that money!” And the Oscar goes to” Heaven is a Traffic Jam on the 405.” 12/14
(That’s a good short doc, but I’ve been in many traffic jams on the 405, and if that’s Heaven, I do NOT want to go!)
7:14—And then Tiffany and Maya present Live Action Short. Maya says, “Tiffany, when you peed off a zip line in ‘Girls Trip’…” and Tiffany says, “Maya, when you took a dookie in the street in ‘Bridesmaids,’ it changed my life.” And they say, “And look where we are now.”
7:15—The Oscar goes to “The Silent Child.” 12/15
7:16—The winner, Rachel Shenton, signs her acceptance speech, explaining that she promised she would for the 6-year-old deaf girl who stars in the movie.
7:18—Next up is Dave Chapelle to introduce Common and Diane Warren and their song “Stand Up for Something” from “Marshall.” Common adds a bit about some current events from Puerto Rico to Parkland. And then Andra Day joins in and they sing the song.
7:25—Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra and Salma Hayek Pinault come to the stage to talk about #TimesUp. They introduce a clip that looks at trailblazers of the #MeToo movement and inclusion in general. Kumail Nanjiani says, “Straight white dudes can watch movies about me and relate. It’s not that hard, I’ve done it my whole life.”
7:30—And now, Chadwick Boseman and Margot Robbie quote unforgettable movie lines. And then they present Best Adapted Screenplay.
7:32—James Ivory wins for “Call Me By Your Name.” 13/16. He is officially the oldest person ever to win an Academy Award. It is his first win and fourth nomination.
7:35—And now Nicole Kidman presents the award for Best Original Screenplay.
7:36—The Oscar goes to…Jordan Peele for “Get Out”!!! 14/17 “You guys are going to ruin my chance at the jet ski.”
7:38—He finishes his speech and walks off stage looking absolutely shocked. Congratulations to him.
7:42—The next presenter is Wes Studi. He talks about his experience in joining the military and heading off to Vietnam. He is a veteran and talks about how much he loves filmmakers telling stories with military themes. Then they show a montage of military movies.
7:45—Kimmel says “On behalf of the Academy, I would like to apologize to all of our military servicemen and women for including Matt Damon in that montage.” FINALLY a Matt Damon joke!
7:46—Our next presenter has been in big movies like “Speed,” “Gravity,” and “Crash,” which also happen to be three good reasons not to get in a plane with Harrison Ford. Welcome Sandra Bullock.
7:47—She squints into the lights and says, “It’s bright. Can we dim it a little bit so I can go back to my 40s? Okay, now 39? And 38. Thank goodness I’m not presenting with Gal Gadot because it would be like looking in a mirror for her.” And for Best Cinematography…
7:48—Roger Deakins wins his first Academy Award after 13 nominations! 15/18
7:50—Zendaya introduces Keala Settle singing “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman.
7:52—Keala Settle KILLS IT. She’s amazing!
7:57—Kimmel introduces Harold Wheeler, the conductor of the Academy orchestra. Kimmel: “People don’t know he actually lives in that orchestra pit.”
7:58—Christopher Walken presents the award for Original Score.
7:59—The Oscar goes to Alexandre Desplat for “The Shape of Water!” 16/19
8:01—The next presenters are Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda for Best Original Song.
8:02—The Oscar goes to “Remember Me” from “Coco.” Sad face. 16/20 I really thought “The Greatest Showman” was going to take this.
8:04—Jennifer Garner introduces the In Memoriam segment. Eddie Vedder sings “Room at the Top.”
8:13—Emma Stone presents the award for Best Director. ”These four men and Greta Gerwig are the nominees for Best Director this year.”
8:14—The Oscar goes to Guillermo del Toro!!! 17/21
8:19—They begin a montage of Best Actor winners.
8:20—Helen Mirren and Jane Fonda present the award! “Oscar’s older than we are.” “That’s an anomaly in Hollywood, isn’t it? An older man with a younger woman.”
8:24—The Oscar goes to GARY OLDMAN!! I LOVE HIM! 18/22. “I’m not going to win the ski, obviously.”
8:28—And now the Best Actress montage.
8:29—Jennifer Lawrence and Jodie Foster present. Jodie is on crutches and Jennifer says, “What happened to you?” Jodie says, “Streep. She ‘I, Tonya’d’ me.” Jennifer: “She’s always so nice at the luncheons.” Jodie: “She’s acting.”
8:33—And the Oscar goes to Frances McDormand, “Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.” 19/23
8:34—“If I fall over, pick me up because I’ve got some things to say.” And she asks all the female categories in every category stand up. It’s a magical moment. She also encourages everyone to demand an inclusion rider in their contracts.
8:37 As they go to commercial, the camera shows the Best Picture envelope and Announcer Lady says, “We’ll be opening THIS envelope after this break.”
8:39—Kimmel says, “I hope Frances McDormand wins an Emmy for her speech at the Oscars.” Then he says, “And now, it’s the moment where nothing can possibly go wrong.”
8:40—Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway come back to the stage to present Best Picture again. Or, some would argue, for the first time. Warren says, “It’s so nice seeing you again.” Faye says, “Presenting is lovelier the second time around.”
8:41—They show clips from each of the Best Picture nominees.
8:45—THE SHAPE OF WATER!! 20/24
8:46—It’s such a rare moment for my actual favorite movie of the year to be the Best Picture winner too! And “The Shape of Water” is so great! It’s also the first Best Picture In THIRTEEN YEARS to feature a female lead character. And it’s gorgeous and inclusive, and so, so good.
8:47—And THAT is THAT. Show’s over, folks! Thanks for joining the fun!