“The Bachelorette” is back, y’all!
I know. Why the heck would I care about “The Bachelorette?” I don’t watch that stuff!
There was a time when I did. When Stacey and Marly and Rachel and Sam and Shawna and everyone else still lived nearby and we had Bachelor parties every week.
And even back in those days I just watched it to make fun.
But then they moved away and I couldn’t watch it anymore because it’s not as fun to make fun of by myself.
And then the internet was invented and–
(Wait…what? You mean the internet was already invented before that? Oh. Anyways…)
So then I discovered this amazing TV site called TV & Jelly with this amazingly hilarious lady named Meg who writes weekly Bachelor recaps that are actually more fun than watching the episode itself. Except that I like context so I resumed watching the show last season and that’s when I discovered Rachel Lindsay, the new Bachelorette.
Tonight is the premiere for Rachel. Who, by the way, is the first person of color to be either The Bachelor OR The Bachelorette and it’s beyond ridiculous that it has taken so long. But Rachel seems pretty great and I’m looking forward to her season.
Or, at least, I was until I started perusing Bachelor bios and now I’m a little worried. Meg already did a great summation of each of the Bachelor Bros, so I’m not going to do what she did. Instead, I’m just going to pick out which eligible dude I would pick if I was given a bunch of money, some pretty new clothes, the chance to live temporarily in a fancy mansion and then forced to choose someone.
Here are the guys. And I do emphasize guys. I’m having a hard time trying to figure out which, if any, would qualify as men.
Adam is a real estate agent. One of his favorite movies is “Transformers” and he thinks every girl wants to be Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, and the most romantic present he ever received was a threesome. Klassy.
Fun fact: I once fell asleep in a movie theater seeing a “Transformers” movie. Did I mention I was on a date at the time?
Alex is an Information Systems Supervisor. He describes himself as selfish and unapologetic. Luckily, he does call those his worst qualities. Although I think his worst quality is that he considers Dwayne Johnson his favorite artist.
Anthony is an Education Software Manager. I don’t know what that means. He says the most outrageous thing he’s ever done was take a job teaching English in Indonesia without preparation. He also won a Fulbright Scholarship to teach in the Ivory Coast. And he’s apparently seen or read “Life of Pi” because he references the flesh-eating plants.
The first Blake is an aspiring drummer. An aspiring drummer. Aspiring. That’s his occupation. And if he could watch any movie right now, he would pick the new “50 Shades of Grey” movie because he loves taboo sexy stuff. Again with the klass.
The other Blake is a US Marine Veteran. He also loves Dwayne Johnson and he’s terrified of sharks. Good thing he’s a Marine. He also says if he ended up on a dessert island (not to be confused with a desert island) it would be made of Chipotle. What kind of messed up desserts does this guy eat?
Brady is a male model who wants to be Channing Tatum. On a date, his least favorite things to do are things like…paying. And getting an Uber driver who doesn’t speak English. Not, like, miniature golfing. No, his least favorite thing is paying for the date. Luckily, he probably doesn’t have to do that very often. Ironically, the male model’s least favorite person is Mike “The Situation” because “he seems like a total bro.”
Bryan is a chiropractor. He’s bilingual and loves “Sports Center” and “The Bachelor.” And he knows that JNCO jeans were a terrible fashion trend.
Bryce is the obligatory fireman. Yes, there’s always one. He once caught a girl’s hair on fire in the middle of sex, but he doesn’t say whether or not that was an accident. He wants to be Matthew McConaughey, but also wants to be a professional Instagrammer so he can get paid to travel the world.
Dean is a Startup Recruiter (?) with a tattoo on the inside of his lip. His dessert island would be made of Hot Cheetos and Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. I think he means together. Oh, and he also believes marriage is an institutionalized sham. So, yeah, pretty please can I marry that guy?
DeMario is an Executive Recruiter. He wants a mate who is “geeky but cool like The Fonz.” I know I’m making assumptions here, but if he finds a girl like The Fonz, I’m thinking she probably won’t be into him.
Yup, Diggy. Diggy is a Senior Inventory Analyst. He once pretended to stay asleep when a one night stand got a phone call that her brother was missing because he didn’t want to help. So he sounds great to have around.
Eric is the obligatory personal trainer. Because there’s always one of those too. He loves Tony Robbins and his favorite book is “As a Man Thinketh.” Should it matter that the book is about 40 pages long?
Fred is an Executive Assistant who would choose to be Ellen DeGeneres for a day. He loves dancing and Jean-Michel Basquiat. His biggest date fear is having his credit card declined. I know the feeling!
Grant is an Emergency Medicine Physician who once had to poop in a can on a bus in Peru. Except that in his bio, he used the word “defecate.” Which had me like hey this guy is all right. And then he said his favorite magazine is “Playboy.” Whomp whomp.
Iggy is a Consulting Firm CEO. I don’t know what they consult on, but he’s in charge. If he was stuck on a dessert island it would be made of a banana float. So he’s punny. His favorite actor is Tom Hardy, so he has good taste. And then he tells a story about how he once “got a boner” during a meeting. So close, Iggy. So close.
I’m concerned that his profile identifies him as Jack Stone and not just Jack. But he’s an attorney, his favorite author is John Grisham and his favorite flowers are tulips. He also went skydiving in the Swiss Alps, which sounds exceptionally dangerous to me.
Jamey is a Sales Account Executive with a tattoo he is getting removed. He doesn’t say what or why he’s removing it. I’m guessing there’s some big story behind it that he’ll reveal in one of his private moments with Rachel. And that he’ll repeat a million times to the other dudes for sympathy. Also, he does NOT have female friends.
Jedidiah is also an ER physician and seems to have a thing for wolves. He loves South Africa because it’s beautiful and has good food and HIV. I might have read that wrong.
Jonathan says his occupation is Tickle Monster. We’re done here.
Josiah is a prosecuting attorney. And a tragic backstory with a death of a brother, it sounds like. He loves being the center of attention and also shooting guns. So that sounds fun.
Kenny is a Professional Wrestler. Uh huh. The most romantic present he’s ever given was a different Edible Arrangement every day for a week. Now, I enjoy a nice Edible Arrangement. As like a Thank You gift from a client or something. I have never seen them as romantic. He also has a caveman tattoo on his chest and wrestles dudes in his underwear, so…
Kyle is a Marketing Consultant. He admires Donald Glover, Ed Snowden, and Will Smith. He has no idea what gluten is, or what foods contain it, but he always chooses gluten-free options. Just in case, I guess? Ugh. I can’t.
Lee is a Singer/Songwriter who loves exclamation points! Like, they are seriously in just about every answer. If he was stuck on a desert island, he’d want a hook, a girl, and a fire source, and then his priority would be to learn how to make booze.
Lucas’s occupation is listed as Whaboom. Here’s what Urban Dictionary has to say about that:
Like, I don’t even care to know anymore. Just…no. I’m actually MORE annoyed about this than the Tickle Monster guy.
Matt is a Construction Sales Rep. He wants to be Matt Lauer because he’s a class act. He also admires Justin Timberlake, Train, and John Mayer because they have “stood the test of time.” Matt, I would like to introduce you to some acts that have been around since the 1900s. Like U2, Bon Jovi..the Beattles…
Michael is a Former Professional Basketball Player at age 26. He played in Bulgaria. His favorite actor is Denzel because all of his movies were classics. Let’s just take a moment to reflect on the immortality of “Virtuosity.” And he says he’s seen every episode of “Martin” more than 100 times. I’m guessing that’s why he doesn’t have a current job?
Milton is a Hotel Recreation Supervisor. He also has a tattoo on his inside lip because for some reason people think this is cool. This is what he said about why he wants to be on the show:
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.
So it doesn’t mean he’s hoping to be discovered when he says he hopes to be discovered.
Mohit is a Product Manager and plans to dress up as Gluten for Halloween. His favorite memory is meeting the Power Rangers and his wildest night in the bedroom involves Tabasco. I hope those are unrelated.
Peter is a Business Owner and I desperately hope he’s related to last season’s Corinne. He’s competed in three Iron Man competitions, one on a broken foot. Which means he’s going to talk about that a lot. Awesome. He says the best trip he ever went on was the three months he spent as a model in Greece because he saw the world. No, dude, you saw Greece.
Rob is a law student who wants to be Superman, but his ideal superpower would be the ability to control time. Which is not really what Superman is known for… He also says he wants a woman to pursue him because it shows she’s driven and knows what she wants. No, it shows that you are lazy and want the woman to do all the work.
Will is a sales manager who loves to travel. His favorite movies are “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Star Wars,” and “Jurassic Park.” He would also choose teleportation as his superpower because he loves to travel but hates waiting. I might love Will.
My Top Two
Okay. With absolutely nothing to go on but these bios, I’m picking my top two guys. We’ll see if I still feel the same way tomorrow…