Back in the day, I used to write letters. Fan letters. Letters to my Congressional Representatives. And to randos I encounter on a daily basis.
Of course, I never mailed those letters. Except the one I wrote to Kirk Cameron when I was 12. Instead, I waited for the internet to be invented and then shared them on my blog.
Well, it’s been awhile and I have some things to say. So here we go with a brand spanking new installment of Letters to Everyone. And also to No One.
Dear Grocery Store Self-Check Aisle Employee,
I understand that your job is a little different now. Since you don’t stand at a check-out line and talk to customers anymore, you probably get a little bored. And I recognize that it was a little bit awkward when I walked past right as you sneezed. But when I said, “Hi!” it was not, in fact, intended as an invitation to share the time when a snot bubble burst out of your nose right when you were talking to another customer. I’m sure that was probably a little confusing.
I hope you’ve gotten over your cold/allergies/random ickiness.
To your health!
A customer who should have probably bought some Zicam
Dear Jane from Big Little Lies,
I haven’t read the book, so I don’t know what’s up with your character. I have a theory, but I’m not sure. But will you please shoot Perry? Preferably in the face.
All the best,
Someone who suspects you live way too close to your mystery baby daddy
While we’re on the subject of Big Little Lies, can you please turn this into a regular series? I know the mystery will be solved next week, but I want more. So much more.
Unless Ed dies. In which case I will probably lose interest pretty quickly.
Someone who hasn’t read the book and will hunt down anyone who spoils it
Quit being so hot. It’s not fair because you’re a totally bad dude. I’m not supposed to like you. And I probably wouldn’t if you weren’t played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan. But just…stop it. Maybe burn your own face or something?
Someone who would probably take the poison pill instead of joining your harem. Probably.
Dear Donald Trump,
Seriously, man. If you aren’t going to give up Twitter, at least use it to get help with your hair.
And, also, I know facts are a foreign concept to you, but please STFU about wiretaps and every other ridiculous thing that pops into your head. If you can’t prove it, maybe don’t say anything until you can. You might be amazed at what happens.
Someone who is still currently #NeverTrump
Dear People of Earth,
How about we all just stop being assholes and start treating each other with some respect? Please?
With (attempts at) love,
The girl who just watched “I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore” over the weekend and relate a little too much