5:30–The show opens with Justin Timberlake singing “Can’t Stop the Feeling.” Honestly, it’s a good way to start the show. But I miss the old montage thing.
5:33–Aw, he left the stage to dance in the audience and is dancing with his wife. So cute! (But her dress isn’t…)
5:35–Justin introduces our host: Jimmy Kimmel! Everyone is still on their feet. He says, “Oh, good, I got a standing ovation.” He says to Justin, “I hope the guys from NSYNC were watching because I think there’s a really good chance they’ll let you back in the band.”
5:36–Kimmel says everyone’s been telling him to say something to unite us. “I’m not the one to do that. There’s only one Braveheart in this room and he’s not going to unite us either.” And then he says
5:37–“It’s time to bury the hatchet with someone I’ve had problems with. Matt Damon.” He talks about how Matt Damon selflessly gave up the chance to star in Manchester By the Sea to his childhood friend Casey Affleck. Casey is nominated for Lead Actor tonight and Matt went on to lose $80 million in The Great Wall.”
5:38–“I want to say thank you to Donald Trump. Remember last year when the Oscars seemed racist?”
5:41–“We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood. We don’t discriminate against people for where they come from. We discriminate based on age and weight.”
5:42–“We honor a lot of talented people tonight, but we also honor actors who aren’t great. Who are maybe overrated. Like Meryl Streep…She wasn’t even in a movie this year. We just wrote her name down out of habit.”
5:44–The first award for the night is Best Supporting Actor. They show a montage of speeches from past winners. The presenter is Alicia Vikander.
5:49–The Oscar goes to Mahershala Ali for Moonlight. Good for him! Yay! He’s crying. “It wasn’t about you. It’s not about you. It’s about these characters.” And lastly he thanks his wife who just had a daughter four days ago.
5:55–Jimmy Kimmel congratulates Mahershala for his Oscar and asks what he named his daughter. “Mari.” “Oh, Mari. I approve.” Then Jimmy says, “If there’s anyone from CNN or New York Times or Medieval Times or anything with Times in it, you’ll need to leave.”
5:56–Kate McKinnon and Jason Bateman present the next award. Kate says, “It’s the Oscars. Are you nervous?” And then she says, “Makeup is the art of ending an argument. When you are about to get a divorce–“”No, no, that’s not it.”
5:58–The Oscar goes to Suicide Squad. Which means Suicide Squad is an Academy Award winning movie. Kill me.
5:59–The main guy says, “I’ll talk, I waited 50 years to talk.” The third guy dedicates it to his wife who passed away.
6:00–Kate comes back and says, “I see what went wrong there. I won’t do it again. Costume are the cost of humes.”
6:01–The Oscar goes to COLEEN ATWOOD FOR FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM! La La Land loses!! But also I LOVED the costuming in Fantastic Beasts. So yay!
6:07–Jimmy Kimmel says, “I want to take a moment tonight to honor some of the real heroes here, the superheroes.” He calls out Doctor Strange. And then he shouts out Hidden Figures and the real heroes in a movie that shows what women can accomplish when they have to pee.
6:08–Janelle Monae, Taraji P. Henson, and Octavia Spencer introduce the real life Catherine Johnson. She immediately gets a standing ovation. The three actresses then announce the nominees for Best Documentary Feature.
6:11–The Oscar goes to OJ: Made in America.
6:13–Jimmy is now in the audience and says, “OJ, you get an extra slice of bologna on your sandwich tonight.”
6:14–Please welcome the artist formerly known as The Rock, Dwayne Johnson.
6:15–He says he was honored when the Oscars called to ask him to perform his Oscar-nominated song from Moana. But they said, nope. So he introduces Lin-Manuel Miranda and Auli’i Cravalho to sing “How Far I’ll Go.” When she finishes singing, she breathes a huge sigh of relief.
6:22–Jimmy Kimmel says that the young people passing out the Oscars tonight won the student Oscars. And then he introduces AMPAS President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs.
6:24–“All creative artists around the world are bound by an unbreakable bond.”
6:25–“This is a show about the movies and you can’t have movies without candy. It’s un-American.” He tells them to close their eyes and wish. And then little parachutes drop from the ceiling to deliver Red Vines.
6:26–The next presenters are Sofia Boutella and Chris Evans for Sound Editing.
6:28–The Oscar goes to Arrival! Woohoo! (No, I didn’t love it. But I totally called that one.)
6:29–The Oscar goes to Hacksaw Ridge. Which means La La Land currently has ZERO OSCARS if you’re keeping track.
6:36–Our next presenter is the star of a film about a conscientious objector, but he decides to work with Mel Gibson anyway: Vince Vaughn.
6:37–He introduces the recipients of the Governor Awards. They show a clip of the four honorees: Lynn Stalmaster, Anne Coates, Fredrick Wiseman, and Jackie Chan. Which means Jackie Chan has an Oscar.
6:39–A montage starts of Supporting Actress winners. It’s time for the big moment!
6:40–Mark Rylance comes to the stage to present the award. He says, “It would be curious if this award was given to an Actress in an Opposing Role…”One thing I was reminded of while watching these performances was something that women are better at: opposing without hatred.”
6:45–“There’s one place where all the people with the greatest potential are gathered. The graveyard.” Her speech is beautiful. And Denzel is crying. One of the best Oscar speeches I’ve heard. LOVE HER.
6:53–Jimmy says, “Viola Davis just got nominated for an Emmy for that speech.” And then he says there are some people on a Starline tour bus that are being told they’ll be seeing an exhibit of Oscar dresses. But they don’t know the dresses will be on people. So they’re about to come through the door and be on live TV.
6:54–Charlize Theron talks about falling in love with and being inspired by The Apartment. And then Charlize and Shirley MacLaine come to the stage.
6:56–Shirley says, “That’s the nicest reception I’ve had in 256,000 years.” And then she tells Charlize, “You have excellent taste in what inspires you.”
6:57–They present Best Foreign Language Film.
6:58–The award goes to The Salesman. But director Asghar Farhadi can’t be here tonight because he’s Iranian. Someone from the film reads a speech from Farhadi.
7:00–Dev Patel introduces the nominated song “The Empty Chair” from The James Foley Story. Sting performs.
7:06–Jimmy Kimmel goes to the camera behind the building to show the Starline guests coming to the door. He introduces the next presenters, Hailee Steinfeld and Gael Garcia Bernal for Best Animated Short film.
7:08–The Oscar goes to Piper. Which was SO beautiful and adorable.
7:10–And Hailee and Gael present Best Animated Feature Film.
7:11–The winner is ZOOTOPIA! Yay! I loved that one. I know, I didn’t predict it, but I’m glad to be wrong because it was great. And funny!
7:13–The next presenters are Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan. Good. Nap time. They are so freaking boring.
7:14–The Oscar goes to La La Land. So, there you have it. La La Land‘s winning Best Picture.
7:16–The guy giving the speech says, “Thank you for your enthusiasm.” Imagine Ben Stein saying that. “Bueller? Bueller?”
7:17–The Starline people are backstage. Jimmy says, “Let’s turn off the lights and on the count of three everyone say ‘Mahershala.'” He introduces the people to some stars. “This is Ryan Gosling. He’s very handsome, don’t look into his eyes.” He picks out another woman and asks, “Who’s your favorite actor?” She says, “That one right there looks good.” She points at Denzel. He continues, “There’s Meryl Streep. Overrated.” This is super funny, but it’s going on a little too long now.
7:27–There’s a montage of Movies Around the World. It’s a bunch of people from other countries talking about why they love movies. It’s nice, but I don’t really get it.
7:30–Riz Ahmed and Felicity Jones present the next award for Visual Effects.
7:31–The Oscar goes to The Jungle Book.
7:33–There’s a video of Seth Rogen talking about his inspiration, Back to the Future. He shows up on stage in the DeLorean with Michael J. Fox. Michael looks FANTASTIC. And Seth is wearing the shoes from Back to the Future 2. Michael looks good, but his speech is not what it used to be. Together they present Best Film Editing.
7:36–The Oscar doesn’t go to La La Land again! The winner is Hacksaw Ridge!
7:38–Jimmy is in the audience talking to Sunny Pawar from Lion. Oh my gosh this kid is so cute it makes me want to cry. Jimmy says, “I know you’re in Lion, but have you seen The Lion King?” Sunny says yes and they recreate Mufasa holding up Simba.
7:43–David Oyelowo and Salma Hayek present the next award for Documentary Short Film.
7:44–The Oscar goes to The White Helmets.
7:47–And they present the award for Live Action Short Film.
7:48–The award goes to Sing.
7:49–Jimmy says, “I’m sorry. We’re more than two hours into the show and Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted about us once. I’m starting to get worried about him.” Then he has his phone projected on the screen and tweets:
Hey @realDonaldTrump u up?
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) February 27, 2017
7:51–John Cho and Leslie Mann come to the stage because they presented the Sci/Tech Awards last week. They aren’t really sure what it means, but they gave the awards to film scientists and film technologists. “For example, when you watch a movie set in space, they did NOT go to space.”
7:53-John says, “I was in Star Trek and we filmed in a studio. But when I saw the movie I was like, ‘Wait. Did we go to space?” And then Leslie says that the Sci/Tech awards are so exclusive that almost no one gets to go. And John adds, “We didn’t invite the press. Due to lack of interest.”
7:56–They play a video of Javier Bardem talking about his inspirational film: Meryl Streep in Bridges of Madison County.
7:57–And then Javier and Meryl come to the stage. She says, “We make movies in pursuit of a deeper truth.”
7:59–They present the award for Cinematography to La La Land.
8:01–And then they go to Mean Tweets: Oscar Edition. They are hilarious.
8:03–Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling introduce John Legend to perform La La Land’s two nominated songs, “City of Stars” and “Audition.” Hmmm…I wonder why Emma and Ryan aren’t singing their songs… So weird… I’m sure it has nothing to do with their abilities…
8:05–Okay, he didn’t even sing all of “City of Stars.” This is weird.
8:13–Samuel L. Jackson presents the award for Best Original Score.
8:14–The Oscar goes to Justin Hurwitz for La La Land. The score was good. Justin thanks his very good friend Damien. “I’m so glad I met you.” Me: “Last year in kindergarten.”
8:16–Scarlett Johanson is the next presenter for Best Original Song.
8:17–The award goes to the wrong La La Land song, “City of Stars.”
8:20–Jennifer Aniston introduces the In Memoriam segment with Sara Bareilles singing, “From Both Sides Now.” Yup. I’m crying.
8:27–Jimmy Kimmel is in a video talking about the film that inspired him: Matt Damon in We Bought a Zoo. “The first time I went to a theater to see it, the theater was empty. Which made me happy.” Also, “You can see how hard he’s working. He’s so…effortfull.”
8:29–Please welcome two time Academy Award winner Ben Affleck and guest. (It’s Matt.) They’re presenting Best Original Screenplay. Every time Matt tries to talk, the orchestra tries to play him off. The camera pans to the pit and Kimmel is conducting.
8:31–The Oscar goes to…KENNETH LONERGAN FOR MANCHESTER BY THE SEA! Oh my gosh I’m so happy about that one.
8:33–Amy Adams and most of her dress present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay.
8:34–The Oscar goes to Barry Jenkins and Tarell Alvin McCraney for Moonlight. Woohoo! Barry Jenkins said something really awesome but I got distracted and now I can’t remember what it was. I’m sorry!
8:35–Jimmy says, “Candy is great and all, but are you ready for something a little more substantial? Are you hungry?” And then cookies and donuts rain down from the ceiling.
8:41–Halle Berry presents the award for Best Director. I don’t get why she’s here. And why is she presenting Best Director? It makes no sense.
8:42–Damien Chazelle wins for La La Land. He thanks his fellow nominees and the regular acceptance stuff. And then thanks his love. “This film is about love and I was lucky enough to fall in love while making it.”
8:46–They start a montage of acceptance speeches from Best Actors.
8:47–And to present the award for Lead Actor is Brie Larson.
8:51–The award goes to Casey Affleck for Manchester By the Sea and I don’t know how to feel about this! “One of the first people who taught me how to act was Denzel Washington and I just met him for the first time tonight.”
8:53–And now the montage of Best Actress winners.
8:54–Leonardo DiCaprio presents the award for Best Actress.
8:57–The Oscar goes to Emma Stone for La La Land. “I realize a moment like this is a product of luck and opportunity.”
9:02–Jimmy Kimmel says, “We’ve reached the halfway point of the show.” And then he says, “And now my favorite moment of the night. A chance to see Matt Damon lose an Academy Award.” (He’s a producer for Manchester By the Sea.) And then he introduces Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty on the 50th Anniversary of Bonnie and Clyde. They introduce Best Picture.
9:04–They go into the montage of clips from all 9 nominees. This is usually done throughout the show. Anyone else think it was strategic that they put La La Land last instead of going in alphabetical order?
9:08–The winner is La La Land. I mean, it was inevitable, but ugh. Blah. Blurgh.
9:11–HOLY SHIT!!! Warren and Faye said the wrong film. BEST PICTURE IS MOONLIGHT!!!!
9:13–One of the accountants rushed out and said, “This is NOT A JOKE! Moonlight won Best Picture.” He shows the card. It says Moonlight. HOLY SHIT!
9:15–Jimmy Kimmel says, “I knew I’d screw this show up somehow.”
And that’s the show. The crazy, crazy show. Thoughts?
I’ll go. I liked Kimmel. I thought he was a lot of fun. Perfect? No. But a LOT of fun. And what the hell happened tonight? This is crazy. La La Land won 7 overall and none of them was Best Picture. So, yay! I went 14 for 24 or 58%. So, not great. But I’ll take it.