Hey, all! Guess what! I’m back!
I know it feels like such a long time since I did an awards show recap, and I’ve really missed it. So I’m back with the 74th Annual Golden Globes, as hosted by Jimmy Fallon.
Did you see the show? Well, I’m here to tell you all about all the things you missed. And things you didn’t miss. And stuff you couldn’t unsee if you saw it.
So, without, further ado…
8:00–The cold open is a pre-recorded musical number to the tune of “Another Day of Sun” from La La Land. Well, here, just watch:
This actually shows my problem with the movie pretty well. The songs are good. The dancing is good. But why is the singing so held back? Sing out, people! Anyways…
8:14–Jimmy Fallon is on stage and says the teleprompter is down, “So, already this is great.” He says he’ll just make up a monologue and starts doing a hilarious Chris Rock impression about how if the folks from People vs. OJ Simpson win, they’re gonna be thanking everyone from Ryan Murphy down to the lighting guy. “No one’s gonna thank OJ.” Then Jimmy goes on to talk about Manchester by the Sea. “You may remember Manchester by the Sea for being the only thing from 2016 more depressing than 2016.”
8:18–The first presenters are Ryan Reynolds and Emma Stone for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. I really don’t understand why Dev Patel went Supporting. He shares the lead role. Whatevs.
8:19–The Golden Globe goes to Aaron Taylor Johnson for Nocturnal Animals. I couldn’t hear much of his speech, so I don’t really know what he said.
8:21–Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Priyanka Chopra present the award for Best Actor in a Television Drama.
8:22–Billy Bob Thornton wins for Goliath. Which I don’t think I’ve even heard of. Is it good?
8:29–Hugh Grant introduces the presentation for Best Musical or Comedy nominee Florence Foster Jenkins.
8:30–Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant present the award for Best Actress in a Television Comedy or Musical. As he opens the envelope, Timothy says, “And in 5th place–” and Drew says, “No, just the winner.”
8:31–And the winner is Tracee Ellis-Ross for Black-ish! I’m happy about that one and not sure if I’m surprised or not surprised. She deserves it. I’m just a little surprised the HFPA thought so.
8:34–And Drew and Timothy present Best Television Comedy or Musical (because presenting Best Actress isn’t prestigious enough so they get two). The winner is Atlanta, another one I’ve never watched but have heard good things about. Donald Glover accepts the award.
8:41–Jimmy Fallon comes back onstage. I forgot he was even there. He says, “I’m having trouble getting my kids to bed because they can’t wait to hear from the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.”
8:42–Lorenzo Soria, President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association thanks everyone for being there. He probably said other things, but I stopped listening.
8:43–Vince Vaughn introduces the clip for Best Motion Picture Drama nominee Hacksaw Ridge.
8:44–Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman present Best Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie. Reese is super short, especially next to Nicole. Not part of a bit, just an observation.
8:45–The Golden Globe goes to Sarah Paulson for The People vs. OJ Simpson! Woohoo! Her speech is so very classy, because that is Sarah Paulson. She says she wants to be more like Marcia Clark.
8:47–And, again, Best Actress isn’t prestigious enough, so they go on to also present Best Limited Series or TV Movie to The People vs. OJ Simpson! Yay! HFPA gets something right!
8:54–Annette Bening introduces the clip for Best Motion Picture Musical or Comedy (?) nominee 20th Century Women. A movie starring three women, called 20th Century Women, that’s all about a boy. Because duh.
8:55–Naomi Campbell and Matt Bomer present Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or TV Movie.
8:56–While everyone is expecting the winner to be the amazing, incredible Sterling K. Brown for People vs. OJ Simpson, everyone forgot we’re watching a presentation from the Hollywood Foreign Press. They basically only pick Americans when they have to. Which is why they give the award to Hugh Laurie for The Night Manager. I mean, he was good, but come on.
8:57–Hugh Laurie accepts this award for the “last Golden Globe Awards” because it’s from Hollywood. Foreign. Press. The three things the new President hates. Yeah, there was a lot of that this year. Anyway, he accepts the award on behalf of psychopathic billionaires everywhere.
8:58–Sofia Vergara comes out and pretends to not be able to pronounce “annual” and keeps saying “anal.” It’s not funny, but everyone just pretends that it is because she’s Sofia Vergara. Anyway, she introduces this year’s THREE Miss Golden Globe: Sylvester Stallone’s daughters.
9:00–Carrie Underwood and Sting present the award for Best Original Score to Justin Hurwitz for La La Land. It wasn’t my favorite of the nominees, but I will acknowledge that the score for this is quite lovely.
9:02–And Sting and Carrie also present the award for Best Original Song. The winner is “City of Stars” also from La La Land. The sad thing is, that’s not even the best song from that movie.
9:08–John Legend introduces the clip for Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical nominee La La Land.
9:10–Hey! It’s Jimmy Fallon again! He does a word association to introduce the next presenter. It’s hilarious, but I can’t do it justice. Let’s just say “Beetlejuice” is part of it. Anyway, he introduces Michael Keaton, who presents the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture to Viola Davis for Fences.
9:11–Viola says, “This is my 5th nomination. I took all the pictures and went to the lunches. But this came right on time.” LOVE HER.
9: 12–Kristen Bell and Cuba Gooding Jr. are the next presenters. Cuba yells, “Sit down! It’s award time!” They present Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie.”
9:13–The award goes to Olivia Coleman for The Night Manager. Very surprised. She was great. Oh, wait. HFPA loves Brits. She’s not there to accept the award though. Sad face.
9:14–Dev Patel and Sunny Pawar (who play the adult and kid version of the same character) introduce the Best Motion Picture Drama nominee Lion. Which you should all go see because it’s wonderful.
9:16–Jimmy Fallon says, “If you put the names of their first TV shows together you get ‘Laugh Inside Amy Schumer.’ Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer are the next presenters. Amy says, “You guys, it’s Goldie Hawn.” Goldie says they play mother and daughter in their new movie and Amy says she actually read for both parts. Goldie tries to read the teleprompter and first I think she’s just being funny, but now I’m pretty sure she’s completely plastered. She says they are presenting the award for Best Actor in a Comedy or Mystical. And she also says these are the best actors of 216 instead of 2016. Amy asks if she needs her glasses and she says she didn’t bring them. It’s funny and awkward until the award is presented.
9:17–The award goes to Ryan Gosling for La La Land. Which is like…okay, fine. He’s the best part of that mediocre movie. But seriously, Colin Ferrell was SO much better in The Lobster.
9:18–Ryan says, “This isn’t the first time I’ve been mistaken for Ryan Reynolds, but it’s getting out of hand.” He goes on to give a sweet dedication to the mother of his girls, who made it possible for him to take on this role while also trying to help her brother through cancer. So he dedicates the award to her and to her brother. And never bothers to mention her by name. It’s Eva Mendes, if you don’t know. You wouldn’t have learned it from him.
9:20–Next are the runners up for Most Boring Actors on the Planet. (The winners are Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan.) Anyway, these presenters are Felicity Jones and Diego Luna. He speaks in Spanish, which is cute at first and then it’s like, Dude, we get it. And they present the award for Best Screenplay for a Motion Picture. It goes to Damien Chazelle for La La Land. Are you sensing a theme here?
9:21–I honestly can’t listen to his speech because I’m annoyed. Sorry. It might be great. I’ll never know.
9:24–Kristen Wiig and Steve Carrell are the next presenters. She chopped her hair and I love it. They make jokes about going to the same salon. And then Kristen asks Steve if he remembers the first animated film he saw.
Steve tells the story of being 6 years old when his father took him to see Fantasia. He was mesmerized by the music and the images. And then they went into the lobby and his mother told his father she wanted a divorce. (It’s funny because the movie sucks.) He says, “And that was the last time I saw my father.” He pretends to cry a little while the audience cracks up. And then he asks Kristen about her first animated film.
Kristen says it was March 21, 1981. Bambi. It was the day they had to put their three dogs to sleep: Jack, Janet and Chrissy. (Three’s Company reference FTW!) She says her grandfather took them to the movies to take their minds off of it. And…then Bambi’s mother got shot. And that was the last time she saw her grandfather.
Okay, written out like that, it sounds sad and depressing, but they were HILARIOUS doing this bit. And then they pat each other’s backs while they read the nominees for Best Animated Feature.
9:27–The winner is Zootopia! The fact that it wasn’t Moana gives me a little hope for the rest of awards season! One of the directors accepts the award and talks about how the message of Zootopia is all about inclusion, which couldn’t be more timely.
9:29–They don’t do an In Memoriam at the Golden Globes usually, but Jimmy Fallon introduces a tribute to Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. I am BAWLING.
9:34–Casey Affleck introduces a clip for Best Motion Picture Drama nominee Manchester by the Sea. I just can’t deal with the buzz around Casey Affleck. He’s so talented, but he’s also apparently icky and now I’m mad. Maybe. I don’t know.
9:36–Chris Hemsworth and Gal Gadot are the next presenters. Is that allowed? Can Marvel and DC mix? Well, apparently they can because they present the award for Best Foreign Language Film.
9:37–The award goes to Elle from France. Which, if you don’t know anything about it, all you have to know is that this is a win for misogyny. Yay! I can’t listen to Paul Verhoeven’s acceptance speech because I’m annoyed. (All you need to know about this movie is that the director previously directed Basic Instinct and Showgirls.)
9:39–The next presenters are Anna Kendrick and Justin Theroux. They present Best Actor in a Limited Series or TV Movie.
9:40–So this should be Courtney B. Vance’s prize, but the award goes to Tom Hiddleston because the HFPA hates America. I mean, Tom was good, but COME ON!
9:48–Jake Gyllenhaal (am I the only one who doesn’t like him?) introduces Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical nominee Deadpool. How this got nominated, I don’t know. That movie was exhausting and not in a good way.
9:49–Laura Dern and Jon Hamm present the award for Best Actress in a Television Drama.
9:50–The winner is Claire Foy for The Crown. If you thought anyone else had a shot, you forgot this is the HFPA and they will ALWAYS give the award to the actress or actor playing British royalty.
9:53–And because of that whole actress thing (so far Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series is the only exception to this…) Laura and Jon also present Best Drama Series. The winner is The Crown. Seriously, do not be surprised by this.
9:58–Viola Davis is a goddess. She starts doing sort of a dramatic reenactment of a conversation about making a pie or collard greens. It turns out she’s introducing this year’s recipient of the Cecil B. DeMille Award, Meryl Streep. This was my tweet:
— Karen Peterson (@KarenMPeterson) January 9, 2017
10:07–Meryl Streep accepts the award after a montage of her movies. Man she’s done a lot of movies. She points out a lot of actors and where they are from. Like Natalie Portman, who was born in Jerusalem. And Amy Adams, who was born in Italy. “Ryan Gosling, like all the nicest people, is Canadian.” She goes on to talk about why we need to reject the hateful messages perpetuated by Trump, particularly citing the way he mocked a disabled reporter. She then quotes her dear friend Princess Leia: “Take your broken heart, and make it into art.”
10:18–There is a video of a bunch of different actors talking about odd jobs they had. Maybe. These might have been made up? I’m not clear on that. But it’s kind of funny. Although random and I don’t really get why they’re doing this.
10:20–Chris Pine is beautiful, even with that gross beard. He introduces the clip for Best Motion Picture Drama nominee, Hell or High Water.
10:21–Ben Affleck and Zoe Saldana and someone else I missed present Best Motion Picture Director.
10:22–Damien Chazelle wins for La La Land. Ugh. Boo. The more this movie wins, the more I dislike it.
10:24–Milo Ventimiglia and Mandy Moore (Yay for This is Us!) present Best Actor in a TV Musical or Comedy.
10:25–Donald Glover wins for Atlanta. Okay, yes, I’ll check out this show. His tux is weird, but I like it. It works for him.
10:32–Matt Damon presents the award for Best Actress in a Movie Musical or Comedy. Because he won last year. For that rip-roaring, hilarious comedy, The Martian. Which he jokes about.
10:33–The award goes to Emma Stone for La La Land. Her speech is about dreamers and whatnot.
10:35–Pierce Brosnan introduces the next nominee for Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical: Sing Street. Which I really want to see. I missed it earlier in the year. It’s not to be confused with the animated flick, Sing.
10:41–Brad Pitt is here. And I have to say, he is looking GOOOOOOOOD. He is pretty much the only actor here NOT sporting a beard. He introduces Best Motion Picture Drama nominee Moonlight.
10:43–Jimmy Fallon does a little “Chastain and the Redmayne” bit to introduce Jessica Chastain and Eddie Redmayne.
10:44–They present the award for Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical to…big shocker…La La Land. I just can’t.
10:50–Brie Larson presents the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama. Her dress is a GORGEOUS shade of red.
10:51–The award goes to Casey Affleck for Manchester by the Sea. In his speech, he makes a comment about his kids having to put up with the things that come with having a dad in the public eye. A not-so-veiled reference to those allegations against him. My favorite tweet of the night was about Casey, btw:
Casey Affleck looks how Leonardo DiCaprio would have looked if The Revenant were really as hard to film as they said it was.
— David S. (@AE_DavidS) January 9, 2017
10:58–Jimmy Fallon says, “I call our next presenter Leo while he calls me ‘Would You Hold My Drink For Me.'” And he, of course, introduces Leo DiCaprio to present the award for Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama.
10:59–The award goes to Isabelle Huppert for Elle. I’ve heard she’s great, but oh that movie. Eesh.
11:01–Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers (Apollo!) present the award for Best Motion Picture Drama. I missed what Carl Weathers said, but Stallone says, “I can’t believe I let you win, even though I wrote the script.”
11:02–The Golden Globe goes to Moonlight. I should really go see that movie. I miss most of the acceptance speech, but it’s something about acceptance in general. I’m going to see that movie this week.
So, that was it for the 74th Annual Golden Globes. The show was kind of meh for me, but mostly just because I disagreed with so many of the winners. But I just remind myself that last year’s Academy Award winner, Spotlight, left the Golden Globes empty-handed. So there is still a sliver of hope that something besides La La Land might have a shot. Because I just can’t even with that movie.
I should probably just get used to the idea, though. Because I’m basically the only person who isn’t in love with it.
Anyways, did you watch the 74th Annual Golden Globes?? If so, what did you think? Any surprises or particularly happy moments?