I hear y’all kind of like that I do these annual play-by-plays of the Oscars, and who am I to let down the public, right??
So, without further ado…
The 88th Annual Academy Awards!!
(Please note that some of my times are a little wonky because there were a few times we had to pause the show to do other stuff like eat dinner and blow out birthday candles.)
5:30–There’s a digital thing with swirly stuff that all combines together to show what it takes to make an Oscar. Stuff like determination and hard work and that kind of thing.
5:31–There’s a countdown with a clip montage of the year’s movies.
5:33–Chris Rock comes to the stage. He says, “I’m here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White People’s Choice Awards.” I mean, obviously he had to address it right away. Here’s some more: He says this is the best year to host the Oscars because of the controversy. People tried to get him to quit and he thought about it, but then, “How come it’s only the unemployed people that tell you not to work?”
5:35–He also says: “Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.” I love it. He also says, “Will Smith thinks it wasn’t fair that he wasn’t nominated for Concussion. It’s not fair that he was paid $20 million for Wild, Wild West.” Boom.
5:51–Please welcome Emily Blunt and somebody whiter, Charlize Theron. They present Best Original Screenplay.
5:52–The winner is Spotlight. 1/1
5:57–Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe are hilarious together and present Best Adapted Screenplay. Ryan says something about, “We have two Oscars between us.” Russell asks, “Did you win an Oscar?” Ryan: “Well, you won two, so we have two between us.”
6:00–The winner is a very deserving The Big Short! 2/2
6:02-Chris Rock introduces scenes from Best Picture nominees. And each scene gets interrupted:
Whoopi Goldberg interrupts Joy.
Is that SNLs Leslie Jones in The Revenant?
Tracy Morgan is The Danish Girl.
Chris Rock is left behind in The Martian.
6:05–Chris Rock introduces the Academy Director of Minority Outreach, Stacy Dash. “Happy Black History Month!” It’s super lame and kind of embarrassing.
6:06–Sarah Silverman is supposed to be introducing Sam Smith to sing “Writing’s on the Wall” from Spectre, but she’s super annoying and talking about sleeping with James Bond and him never calling and she’s basically just rambling and dumb.
6:07–Sam Smith sings and it doesn’t make me love the song any more.
6:08–Chris Rock introduces Kerry Washington and Henry Cavill to introduce the Best Picture nominees The Martian and The Big Short.
6:10–JK Simmons presents Best Supporting Actress. They show clips from each nominee’s performance.
6:13-Alicia Vikander wins for The Danish Girl. 3/3
6:18–Chris Rock introduces Cate Blanchett who presents Best Costume Design. She walks through displays of the costumes for each nominee.
6:20–The winner is Jenny Beavan for Mad Max: Fury Road. 4/4
6:20–Holy crap what the hell is she wearing?? Is that seriously a bedazzled motorcycle jacket? She looks like a biker chick. Damn. She promotes herself by telling people to call her agent? And then says, “Be kinder to each other.” So now I feel like a jerk for questioning her wardrobe.
6:22–Steve Carrell and Tina Fey present the award for Best Production Design. Tina says something weird and Steve says, “Tina has been drinking.” And then she pretends to be drunk and slurs her words and they announce the winner.
6:23–Mad Max: Fury Road. Blah. “Multitudes of people came together to realize George Miller’s vision, so it’s the most diverse film of the year.” Um… 5/5
6:25–Margot Robbie and Jared Leto present Best Makeup & Hairstyling.
6:27–Ugh. No surprise, but Mad Max: Fury Road wins. Again. 6/6
6:29–Benicio Del Toro and Jennifer Garner introduce The Revenant (someone in a bear suit is sitting in the audience clapping) and Mad Max: Fury Road.
6:35–Chris Rock talks about real people being portrayed in movies and being present tonight. The real Joy Magano, the real Mike Rezendes, the real Suge Knight (it was a guy in a prison jumpsuit and straight jacket with armed guards).
6:36–Michael B. Jordan and Rachel McAdams present the award for Best Cinematography.
6:37–It’s a threepeat as Emmanuel Lubezki wins for The Revenant! 7/7
6:39–Priyanka Chopra and Liev Schrieber present the award for Best Film Editing.
6:41-Mad Max wins again. Ugh. But yay that female editor Margaret Sixel wins. So, that’s a good thing. 8/8
6:42–Chris Rock introduces a special presentation. It’s a recorded message from Angela Bassett who recognizes the importance of black cinema. Like Enemy of the State (starring boycotter Will Smith…). And Jack Black.
6:47–Chadwick Boseman and Chris Evans present Best Sound Editing.
6:49–The award goes to Mad Max and now I’m annoyed. If it wins Best Picture I’m gonna be pissed. 8/9
6:51–Chris and Chadwick also present Sound Mixing to Mad Max and now I’m mad and a little worried. 8/10
6:55–Andy Serkis presents the award for Best Visual Effects. He talks about the amazing things they can do now in film. Whoa. Matt Damon’s beard was digitally added in The Martian?? Is nothing real anymore???
6:57–The winner is…EX MACHINA?? I swear NO ONE saw that coming! Wow! 8/11
6:59–Jason Segel says people always complain the Oscars aren’t long enough and they need to give out more awards. He and Olivia Munn presented the Sci Tech awards two weeks ago and now they run through the winners.
7:00–C3P0, R2D2, and BB-8 come out on stage and do a bit that I can’t totally hear and don’t really understand because they don’t even present anything. But C3P0 gives a shout out to 50-time nominee, John Williams.
7:13–Chris Rock is in the audience. He talks about how being in LA to prepare for the Oscars has meant missing his 2 daughters during an important time in their lives: Girl Scout Cookie Time. And then he brings out some Girl Scouts to sell cookies in the audience. It’s hilarious, and a great shout out to the Girl Scouts.
7:15–OMG I hate the Minions so, so much. They present Best Animated Short to…Bear Story? And now my bracket is officially busted. 8/12
7:18–Buzz and Woody celebrate 20 years since Toy Story. That doesn’t seem possible. They present Best Animated Feature.
7:20–The winner is Inside Out! Of course it is! 9/13
7:21–Chris Rock says, “Please welcome next year’s host: Kevin Hart!”
7:22–Kevin Hart introduces The Weeknd singing “Earned It” from 50 Shades of Grey.
7:24–Kate Winslet and Reese Witherspoon introduce Bridge of Spies and Spotlight.
7:27–Chris Rock wants to help solve the race problem so he went to his favorite movie theater in Compton. He interviews “regular” people who haven’t seen any of the nominated movies. He asks one lady, “What was your favorite white movie of the year?” She says, “By the Sea with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.” He says, “Even they wouldn’t say that.”
7:30–Patricia Arquette presents Best Supporting Actor.
7:34–In the second major surprise of the night, the winner is Mark Rylance or Bridge of Spies! He’s such an adorable winner! Sorry, Sly! 9/14
7:37–Louis CK presents Best Documentary Short Film. He says, “This is the one category that has the opportunity to change a life. The rest of you are going home to your mansions…This Oscar is going home in a Honda Civic.”
7:39–The Oscar goes to Mad Max. Just kidding….It’s Girl in the River. 9/15
7:40–The winner says this is her second time winning in this category. She says, “This is what happens when determined women get together.”
7:41–Daisy Ridley and Dev Patel present Best Documentary Feature.
7:42–The award goes to Amy. 10/16
7:44–Chris Rock introduces the accountants from Price Waterhouse Cooper. They’re little Asian kids. Chris says, “If anyone is offended by this joke, tweet about it on your phone that was also made by these kids.”
7:49–Chris Rock wants to see how much money the Girl Scouts made. “Harvey Weinstein, kiss my ass.” Then he says, “Last year, we made $600 and were in second place. This year’s total is $65,943.” Awesome.
7:50–Whoopi Goldberg presents the Governor’s Awards. Interesting…Spike “Mr. Oscar Boycott” Lee showed up to collect an award for that…Hmmm…
7:55–Louis Gossett Jr introduces In Memoriam with Dave Grohl singing “Blackbird.” He sounds fantastic. Alan Rickman being in that montage stings.
8:03–Chris Rock thanks the Girl Scouts of Los Angeles. He introduces Abraham Attah and Jacob Tremblay. They bring out boxes for them to stand on to present Best Live Action Short Film.
8:05–The award goes to my personal favorite that I didn’t think would win: Stutterer! 10/17
8:07–Sofia Vergara and Byung-hun Lee present. Sofia looks gorgeous and it’s so nice to see her wearing something that isn’t a mermaid gown! The present Best Foreign Film.
8:08–The Oscar goes to Son of Saul! Woo hoo! 11/18
8:09–Joe Biden (ugh,why?) introduces Lady Gaga to sing “Til it Happens to You” from The Hunting Ground. She is joined onstage by, I guess? A bunch of rape survivors? It’s an awesome performance.
8:19–Quincy Jones and Pharrell Williams (who I almost didn’t recognize without his ginormous hat) present Best Original Score.
8:22–Ennio Morricone wins for The Hateful Eight and gives his speech in Italian and has it translated. 12/19
8:24–Common and John Legend present Best Original Song.
8:26–It’s Sam Smith for “The Writing’s on the Wall.” Ugh. 12/20 During his acceptance speech, Sam Smith says something about gaining acceptance for the LGBT community.
8:28–Chris Rock says, “I’m not making any jokes. You’re going to get me in trouble.”
8:29–Olivia Wilde and Sascha “The Most Annoying Man in the World” Baron Cohen (as Ali G) present. I hate him so, so much that I am not even listening to him. Except that he starts talking about little yellow men with small dongs? What the hell? Why is he here?? They introduce Room and Brooklyn.
8:35–JJ Abrams presents Best Director. Each nominee talks a bit about the process.
8:36–JJ presents to Alejandro G. Innaritu! He’s the first back-to-back Director since John Ford in 1941! 13/21
8:39–Inarittu is still talking…The music is getting louder…He finally finishes. Commercial.
8:43–Chris Rock welcomes tonight’s Musical Director.
8:44–Eddie Redmayne presents Best Actress. Go Brie…
8:47–The winner is Brie Larson for Room!!! 14/22
8:52–Julianne Moore presents Best Actor. She looks gorgeous, but I hate her hair.
8:55–At long last: LEONARDO DiCAPRIO IS AN ACADEMY AWARD WINNER!! 15/23
8:56–And…of course…there he goes with the climate change talk. Blah. Whatever. Leo’s an Oscar winner!
8:58–Morgan Freeman presents Best Picture.
9:00–The winner is….SPOTLIGHT?!?!?! What???? 15/24
9:01–They speak, they thank…And then Chris Rock comes back out to thank everyone for watching. He’s holding a box of Girl Scout cookies and Morgan Freeman and Michael Keaton start helping themselves.
And that’s the show!
I’ll update tomorrow with some of my thoughts on the winners and the show overall.
What did you think??