Just like everyone else in the world, this time of year makes me a little more reflective. A little more pensive. A little more critical of life and where I am and where I want to be.
The past two weeks have involved a lot of deep thinking on my part. This isn’t always safe for me. When I start to think, I start to get ideas. Good ideas. Bad ideas. Just…ideas. And I form conclusions. That are almost always wrong.
Generally, I do better when I just stay out of my head. It’s dangerous up there.
But, this time of year practically DEMANDS deep thoughts and the formation of new ideas. And the last two weeks have been no exception.
Things were pretty good. I spent a lovely Saturday evening before Christmas with my dad and step-mom and siblings and everyone. And then Christmas Eve was with my mom and step-dad. And then Christmas Day was with Chris’s family.
It was literally about 5 minutes before we walked out the door to go to Christmas Eve service at Chris’s church when I was scrolling through Facebook and learned that a colleague from work had passed away the night before. It wasn’t a surprise. He was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and the prognosis had been bad from the start. But still. I couldn’t believe he was gone so soon.
On top of all the typical end-of-year ponderings, death always makes me think a little more about my own life, too. Where I am. Where I am not. Where I want to be. Where I don’t.
And then I was sitting in church yesterday and I don’t really know where it came from, but I just felt this overwhelming sense of not belonging.
It’s not about church. Don’t get me wrong there. I love my religion. I really do.
But I am just feeling completely out of place right now. I’m single, so I go to a congregation specifically for single people. I’ve been there over two years and really like the people there.
But I’m not TOTALLY single, so I basically just show up for my three hours on Sunday and then take off and don’t participate or spend any time getting to know anyone outside of church during the week.
I can switch back to the family ward and go to church with my roommate. But I don’t have a family and don’t feel like I belong there either.
I am terribly unhappy and unsatisfied with my job and desperately want a new one. I’ve had a few promising interviews, but have not been able to get to that point of “You’re hired!”
I want more from my relationship, but I’m terrified of speaking up because I’m afraid that if I do, I won’t get the response I want and need.
It’s so frustrating to want to make big changes in life, and to know EXACTLY what those changes are, but to feel so completely powerless to actually DO anything about it. I feel like everything I want right now depends on other people.
I mean, I know it’s ultimately in my hands. I could just say to hell with all of this and pick up and move somewhere far away. But I don’t want to. Not at this point. I’m not ready to walk away from the things I have here and the hopes I have.
And I have no good way to wrap up this post. Mostly because I have no point to it. I guess I just need to get some of this out of my head or something. I unloaded a little bit of it to Chris last night when I dissolved into a big blubbery mess of tears. He gets major bonus points for not freaking out about that. But I didn’t tell him everything I want or need to tell him. I held back. Fear of rejection stopped me, as it almost always does with everything in life.
I know I need to get past this. I just…I don’t know how. Or, really, I’m just not ready.